Standing alone in my balcony in this foggy morning in a crowded city that I've been living for more than two years. Looking down through 18 floors down there, small street then a dirty river then unfinished destruction of ragged houses. sometime I imagine how does it feel to jump from here, will I fall to that small street, or splash to the dirty smelly river, or to the those ragged houses. seeing my self in pain or even dead down there feels so much easier than living day by day with all of these things around me, expectations, dreams, hopes, disappointments, anger, love, sadness, poverty, global warming, pollution, happiness, etc.
some time I'm thinking what would other people around me think if I'm gone, disappear, not exist; would it be better for them?would it be worse? would they be sad? would they be happy?
some time I want to know what will happen to this world without me? will it make such a difference?
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Flawless Friendship ?
I was just wandering is there any flawless friendship in this world? Its been so many times I got into friendships, but none is flawless. Just like today I was just destroyed one that I thought it would be flawless, it would last long, it would be some deep understanding although we both didn't come from the same background or even future. It's a pity that because of just simple things that actually didn't really related directly to us make a flaw to our friendship, which is I'm sure would left a permanent mark here. Just because of miss communication if I could say, the problem is we have different language, but we always tried to understand each other beyond that silly thing, but in the end that's the thing that could easily destroy our friendship. I really hope that I can explain to her better about this problem without thinking how to make her understand what I'm trying to say.
Somehow I know that this is part of my fault that I cannot tell her the truth, not because I'm afraid of hurting her, but because I'm in the middle of her and the other girl, which both are my friends, my best friends. I can't said any proper word or sentence in front of her because I was frazzled, I can't control myself, I really wish that she can understand my tears at that time, which would explain anything that I felt; anger, sadness, confusion, vulnerability, depression, frustration, etc which I can't get the adjectives to explain what I've felt at that time, everything in my mind was just burst into flowing tears, labored breath because my chest felt so heavy like a ton of steel full of different kind of feeling. I thought that I would strong enough, but I was just a weak stupid girl that runaway from her with an excuse to do something important, left her frazzled and she thought that I was mad at her because she doesn't want to confessed that she was changed.
I got a strong feeling that she was always faking, she hide her truth, her real feeling, she was just wearing a cheerful happy mask. Because she wears it too long, she even forgot how to take it off. She doesn't want to listen to anybody, she just think that she was all right, she's the Ms. Right for everything she thought, everything she said... She was just full of pride if I could say, a pity pride, a pity truth. I really wish that she will listen someday, and admit the truth, not just her own thought, her own idealism that she can control everybody, that she can make everything right.
She even said that she always care about every body's feeling that's why she was doing this, if she let it go all, her mask, her pretending, no happiness would left... but by doing this she was just make it worst for every body, not only her that will carry this burden, but every one surround her.
what should I say friend? there is no flawless Friendship, because understanding each other flaws, and also that friendship it self, that is how a friendship would survive, for how long the destiny meant it to be.
Somehow I know that this is part of my fault that I cannot tell her the truth, not because I'm afraid of hurting her, but because I'm in the middle of her and the other girl, which both are my friends, my best friends. I can't said any proper word or sentence in front of her because I was frazzled, I can't control myself, I really wish that she can understand my tears at that time, which would explain anything that I felt; anger, sadness, confusion, vulnerability, depression, frustration, etc which I can't get the adjectives to explain what I've felt at that time, everything in my mind was just burst into flowing tears, labored breath because my chest felt so heavy like a ton of steel full of different kind of feeling. I thought that I would strong enough, but I was just a weak stupid girl that runaway from her with an excuse to do something important, left her frazzled and she thought that I was mad at her because she doesn't want to confessed that she was changed.
I got a strong feeling that she was always faking, she hide her truth, her real feeling, she was just wearing a cheerful happy mask. Because she wears it too long, she even forgot how to take it off. She doesn't want to listen to anybody, she just think that she was all right, she's the Ms. Right for everything she thought, everything she said... She was just full of pride if I could say, a pity pride, a pity truth. I really wish that she will listen someday, and admit the truth, not just her own thought, her own idealism that she can control everybody, that she can make everything right.
She even said that she always care about every body's feeling that's why she was doing this, if she let it go all, her mask, her pretending, no happiness would left... but by doing this she was just make it worst for every body, not only her that will carry this burden, but every one surround her.
what should I say friend? there is no flawless Friendship, because understanding each other flaws, and also that friendship it self, that is how a friendship would survive, for how long the destiny meant it to be.
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